Post-Concert Depression.

Today is 13th of October. 

Last week, on 6th of October, I was on the other side of the country, watching my favourite band, DAY6. They truly came at the right time. 

These past few months I've been feeling really shitty.  I was annoyed and irritated by  every little thing.  I was in a crappy mood almost all the time. And while I was in that mood,  I also had to  pretend to be friendly and in a good mood.  To make things worse, I had to socialise from early in the morning until I got off work. That's just how my work environment is. It was extremely draining. I think I also cried the most during that period. I just hate myself so much. And I keep interpreting other people's action and gaze as something negative. I still do that now but it's less extreme now. 

Right now I'm just too engrossed in my PCD so I have no time to worry about other people. I'm a little bit worried though. I have always wanted to run away from reality and I realised from this trip that attending a concert is one way to excuse myself from reality.  I'm  really scared that I would make big financial mistakes because of my greed. I've been to one show and I want more. I know I can't afford it but I just want that distraction. Being in a concert is like being in a dream where I am free from responsibilities or any problems. I wish I could live more freely. That's why I feel even more depressed after the concert. I even had a breakdown the next day while driving. Honestly I don't even remember now what triggered my  breakdown. Maybe because I didn't want to face reality or maybe I just felt useless. 

You  know, the Day6  members are all hardworking people. Compared to them, I'm insignificant. I've got no achievements. I teared up when they started performing 'Monster'. Because that's exactly how I felt. I felt like a monster.  I still do. When I see them, I can't help but compare myself to them. How can I call myself a fan when I am this lazy? I don't deserve to be called a fan of someone hardworking because I'm literally the opposite. Now not only I am depressed because the concert has ended, I also feel ashamed of myself. I wish I could live life more diligently, like DAY6, like everyone else.  But it's hard. I have to put so much effort to live. It almost feels bothersome to me.  I wish I could just do nothing. See how lazy I am? I am too lazy to  put an effort to live.  

While I was on the plane after the concert, I actually had this thought, 'What if I die in this plane? That would mean I won't be able to see or listen to Day6 anymore. I should live then.' I think I found another reason to live. My first reason is my  father. My second reason is DAY6. That is how much they mean to me now. However, that doesn't mean I am excited for life. I still hate my job. I still hate talking to people. I still prefer it if I could just disappear. But I guess I have to live to see another DAY6 show.