new year thoughts.

new year. happy new year. 2016 has been a tough year. i wish 2017 would be a better year. i know. i know i shouldn't be wishing but do something to make it happen. but, i don't know. i feel so weird, so empty these days. i'm not sure if it's because i miss home, or it's because of the finals, or because i'm lonely. lonely. am i lonely? but i choose this. i choose to be alone. don't i like to be left alone? i don't know. i don't understand myself. i think i'm getting worse, in social settings. i'd rather starve than going out. because, whenever i go out, i feel like everyone is judging me. even my roommate. i feel like she judges me the whole time. i try to avoid speaking to her. which i should stop doing. because we are going to be living in the same room for another semester. i want to avoid everyone. i want to avoid any social interactions. but interactions is a must. something i can't avoid. because i'm in university. if i don't talk to people, there's no way i can survive here. why did i choose to be here again? because i want to? or is it because of my parents? do i even like this course i am taking? i feel so small here. i still feel i don't deserve to be here. maybe there was a mistake. maybe they mistook me for someone else. why am i here? i feel alone, but i don't want to talk to anyone. i don't even want to get close to anyone. why i don't know. maybe i have trust issues. maybe i am scared that if someone get close to me they'll learn all my secrets all my flaws, then they'll use them to break me. or maybe nobody even wants to get close to me. i am an awful person no? i just broke a friendship with someone that i got really close to when i first came here. she apologized but, it didn't feel sincere to me. so i ignored her. i avoided her. i don't like her personality. but i am being an asshole by ignoring her like that, right? i'm so messed up. it's a good thing that nobody here wants to get close to me. well even if there is someone who wants to, i don't think i'll let them anyway. there is so many things in my mind right now. am i sad? not sure. is it the music i listen to? maybe. it's so funny how i brag about having two best friends, when, i don't know, if we are even best friends. there are so many things we don't know about each other. man i should be doing my revision right now. but i can't focus. these thoughts. these thoughts are distracting me. i feel like i'm going to disappoint my parents, my father especially. will something happen this year? will there be changes in my life, in my personality? or will i be the same, mean, and pathetic girl? that everybody probably secretly hates? will i be able to survive my degree life? will i be able to live among these people whom i don't really, like. will i be able to live as someone i'm not for another three years and a half? will i ever find someone, i can be my true self around?  will i ever be genuinely happy while i'm here?