fav time of the year: rants before finals/going home

It's study week but it doesn't feel like study week at all. All I do is watch videos on youtube and scroll tumblr. Three days before my first paper. I studied just now but it lasted for only half an hour I guess? Then I took a supposedly short nap which turned into a really long one. And now here am I writing this.

Maybe I want go back home so badly that I don't have any motivations to study for my final exam anymore. 

Yeah sorry for the unnecessary intro.

(current playing)

My life, here, this semester, has been quite a ride. Emotionally and mentally, especially. Probably also why I don't have the energy or motivation to do my revision now.

I'm really bad at expressing myself, so please, bear with me. (although i know this is totally useless since nobody reads my blog anyway)

(shit i'm too distracted by the songs i'm listening to)

Okay so.

I hate myself. I really hate myself. I am not saying this, to get people to comfort me with nice words or anything. I just want to say that I really hate myself.

I hate myself for hating people. Sometimes, for no reasons at all. Maybe there's a reason, but, I don't know. I can't really explain it. I've noticed myself doing things to make people not talking to me. To make sure they are away from me. Maybe this is just my introvert side coming out. But, sometimes there's this negative feeling, maybe I should call it a demon. This demon will make me hate people, even nice people. They did nothing wrong. But I would hate them secretly. Maybe I'm jealous, but what am I even jealous of? Or maybe I just, hate people. 

But I don't like this feeling. I feel really bad for hating these people. But this demon is laughing inside me, saying I like doing this. Saying I feel good for hating this people. Because they deserve it. That's what the demon said. 

Is it true? Do I actually like hating these people? I really have no idea. 

And I hate how selfish I am now. Maybe I've always been a selfish person but it's just that it's getting worse nowadays. The combination of hating people for no reasons and being selfish, is not a good combination I tell you. I really want to get rid of these negative traits of mine, but I don't know how to. I don't know if I am able to. 

Worse part is, people I dislike, are the people I hang out a lot with. This makes me hate myself even more. I feel like a hypocrite. Scratch that. I am already a hypocrite. 

I think this is just who I am. I tend to, grows a negative feeling - hatred - towards people I am close with. This is also why I don't like to get close with anyone. I don't want to be too close with people. I'll just end up hating them. I will laugh, pretend I have good times with them, when actually I really don't like being with them. I tried not to get close with anyone but it's too late now, or is it not? 

It's only the first year. I have three more years. I'm fine with being friends and hanging out sometimes. But being close friends is not something I want. 

I guess I'm going to slowly leaving these people like how I leave my toxic "friend". These people are not toxic, I just, this is just me, being me.