tired.

Another 17 days. I'm so tired. 

This song basically describes my current situation. 

If I go take a walk, will it help me?
Take a shot with my friends, will it make it stop?
I’m losing my mind now
Losing direction

If I scream all I want in my bedroom
Will my life get much better than right now? Oh
Somebody help me
'Cause I’m suffocating

- NIve, Tired.

I was drained from my internship. Fortunately after 5 weeks, I had a one week break. However, things got worse - with Covid19. So I had to stay in until 31st, supposedly. But it was extended to 14th of April. I am stuck in my uni. All my friends have gone home. My roommate went home, luckily, at least I have the room for myself. 

With nothing to do, I keep thinking about how 'I should have done this, I should have done that' during my internship. I keep thinking about my mistakes. How much of a failure I am. And then I am reminded of how fake I am. A coward. A liar. I hate myself. I really do.

I want to quickly finish my internship. So I can leave this place. I'm tired of pretending. Pretending like I have my shit together. I don't. I'm a mess. And I hate this place. I don't want to get close to more people. If we get too close they might find out who I really am. 

On normal occasion, being stuck in my room is cool. But now it's too much. I feel so demotivated. I have so many things to do, but I'm not doing it. I sleep too much. Eating less, because I'm freaking broke now. 

Sometimes it feels like I'm going crazy.

I want to punch the wall, the mirror, but that's too dangerous. I need to punch something to release the stress inside me. It's so sad that I can't punch anything.

Oh, also. Because of this pandemic, and the order to stay in, I have too much time to spend on social media, and thinking about myself. I realise that, I am such a horrible person. Other people, genuinely care about me, so they asked me how I was doing, but that annoyed me. But I still told them I'm ok. And then me seeing them feeling down, because they posted about it on their social media, but I never once, ask them how they were doing, or giving them words of encouragement. I never do that. I don't deserve to have kind people around me. I suck. 

Now I'm just tired. Tired of everything. I wish I could just disappear.