nine months of unemployment.

Being jobless for nine months now. I feel like shit. I feel like a loser. My coursemates are all doing something. They are making money while I'm only spending money.

It's one of the reasons I am not on Instagram or Facebook. Everyone is living a decent life while I'm living as a plain loser. 

I relate to this way too much. I'm ashamed of myself. I really thought that I could make my father proud. I thought I was the one in my family who would become somebody. But it's all a fantasy. I had too many fantasies. That's why nothing works in real life. All I do is fantasizing instead of actually doing something to turn those fantasies into reality. 

I feel helpless and hopeless right now. I really don't know what I should do. I tried applying to some jobs but I've got no response from all. I honestly just want to move to another city and find a job there. However I need money to do that. I don't even have savings since I don't have a job. What the fuck should I do? 

Honestly, I don't even have any dream jobs. I just want to get a job. I just want to have a job. Doing what I want? Chasing my dreams? My only dream is earning so much money I don't have to worry about money ever. I feel like I would be satisfied even if I hate the job as long as the pay is good. But it's hard. It's just hard to find a job nowadays. There are more people looking for jobs than the number of job vacancies. Also there are a lot of jobs, but none I am qualified for. Sometimes I feel that I've taken the wrong path. I was clueless back then. Nobody guided me. I only did what everyone else did. When I applied to be a teacher after secondary school, I didn't know how important the interview was. I didn't prepare for it at all. That's why I screwed up. I failed the interview. If I had someone who could guide me, maybe I would have passed. Other kids applied it because their parents were teachers. They knew what to do. I knew nothing. When I went for foundation studies, I was too much of a coward so I ended up quitting. If I continued, I wonder how I would have turn out? 

Now I'm a university graduate, I don't feel like I could do anything I want. There's nothing I'm good at. I wish I had gone for something technical. Maybe I should have gone for technical school when I was still in school. Maybe instead of going to university, I should just maybe learn plumbing or something. It's better to be skilled at something than having that one certificate after four years of studying. Why didn't I think of this back then? Because I was just a clueless kid guided by no one. 

But should I blame the clueless kid me for what is happening now? Absolutely not. I had my chance. When I was in university, I still could have learned something. But I learned nothing. Now I am just a university graduate without any skills. 

I want to switch field. I need relevant skills or experience for that. I could apply for entry-level jobs. But to do that I still need some experience. How can I get a job if every entry-level job needs people with experience? How do I get experience if none of the employers want to hire people with no experience? 

I'm so tired. I'm tired of being jobless. I'm tired of feeling hopeless.