I like you but I can't like you.

Oh this is my first post for this year. 

I am feeling all kinds of emotions right now. My emotions fluctuate so much. I'm tired. 

Since I've written about the sad part in my book, let me write about happier things now. Not exactly happy but definitely less depressing than what I wrote earlier.

I just wanna leave it here. Some of my thoughts on relationship.

People have been trying to set me up with someone they know. I told them I'm not interested because I'm looking for a Japanese-looking person. Little did they know, I have my eyes set on someone already.

A friend asked if I have a crush on anyone, if that is the reason why I'm rejecting people who are trying to approach me. I said no. But my heart screams, "YES I LIKE SOMEONE". I didn't want to let her or anyone know because they know him. We are colleagues. So it will make things hard if they know about this. The Japanese-looking person is just an excuse. I already have someone I like. But the bigger problem is, I can't have him.

There are many reasons why I can't have him.

Reason number 1 and the most important reason: He is good-looking and has a lot of people liking him. I heard that a lot of girls and women try to approach him. I'm pretty sure there is one decent woman that he likes from those people. So, I wanna keep my expectations low. He might suddenly announce his marriage anytime.

Reason number 2: I'm ugly. I'm not a good person. Literally only a blind person would like me. Maybe even a blind person would not be interested in me because of my ugly personality. 

Reason number 3: I'm very different from him. We don't share the same belief. And I think he's family-oriented. I'm not. This will make or break a relationship. Since we are different, it's only going to complicate the relationship. 

Reason number 4: I don't deserve happiness. Therefore I can't have any relationships.

Many people are wondering why I stay single. I choose this path. I purposely don't get to know other people. I reject people who try to approach me, even before they talk to me. I put a wall around me to protect myself. I'm actually scared. If I try to get to know someone for a romantic purpose, I would have to give up my privacy. I don't want it to happen. I don't want to reveal about myself. I want people to stay clueless about myself. I want to keep my privacy.

Problem is, I still fall in love. I still have a crush on other people. Even when I know it's not gonna work. 

I would be wondering if he park his motorcycle or car next to my car. I would be wondering if I would bump into him anywhere. I would be wondering if he would talk to me. I would be wondering and expecting something to happen. When he talked to me, I got butterflies in my stomach. I almost couldn't catch my breath. When people mentioned his name whenever they asked me to find someone, it would get my hopes up. Even though I know he doesn't like me romantically, I still have a tiny hope that maybe they mention him because he's interested in me. It's not true though. I was just being delusional. I am delusional. He never likes or interested in me. I read too much into whatever he said. When he said, "Don't go home." before the holidays or "Why don't you eat there?" when he was on his way to the canteen while I was returning from there. Or when he showed a tiny bit of interest by asking which national costume I was wearing during the gala dinner. Everything he said to me, I would try to put meaning into it. I'm such an idiot, right? I know he's not right for me but I keep on letting myself to develop feelings for him. Ugh. How do I stop this feeling from growing? I want to stop. But I don't want to get over him by meeting new people. It would feel like I'm cheating on him, even though we are not even in a relationship. Do I sound sane or do I sound like a psychopath now? 

Maybe I'm just lonely. I should distract myself. 

Updating this post because I don't want to write another new post about him.

I was driving angrily just now. Then my brain decided to remind me that he didn't wish me on my last birthday. And even though I was quite happy for remembering the fact that he was the one who talked to me first and asking me a lot of questions about myself, something else brought me back to reality. If he is interested in me, he would have talked to me. Maybe text me. But he only texts me for work-related matter. I'm quite disappointed about it. I guess I was just being delusional. I just read too much into everything. I am just having a crush on him. It's not mutual. I'm sad about this but this is important because it will make me reconsider my feelings. If someone doesn't like me, I shouldn't get my hopes up. People's feelings don't change overnight. It's ok. I'll move on. I'll remember my feelings through this post. 

I really like you bro. ;)