What is normal?

I'm sleepy.

I'm not in the mood of writing this but I feel like if I don't get this off my chest now, I'm not gonna do it any other time. 

I met my mother yesterday. On my way of going to her house, I was suddenly attacked with the fact that I did not have a normal upbringing, that my family was not normal at all. 

I am not from a normal family, so why does everyone expect me live my life like normal people? My mother too. She knows better. She's the main reason I don't live like normal people, why is she expecting me to be normal now?

Marriage. Yes I'm talking about marriage again. Because it's marriage season, and I'm getting older. 

Friends and colleagues are all asking when is my turn to give them wedding invitation. They never stop. I didn't tell them that even if I get married, I wouldn't be having a wedding. 

Back to my point. I realized how different I am. How my family is different from others. We never have deep talks. We talk about the weather, we talk about our neighbour, we talk about everyone else except our family. The only time we act like normal family is when we are celebrating special occasions such as birthdays or new year. We would have dinner together. On most days, we eat separately. I thought it was normal for families to eat separately. Then I see other families eating together for every meal. We're the odd ones. 

I thought about how I never bought any clothes since I was 13 or 14 probably. Normal families would have the parents buying clothes for the children. Nobody bought us any clothes, because our mother was gone and our father was not that involved in such matter. I thought it was normal to not have any new clothes. Turned out we're just odd. 

When I visited my mother yesterday, I saw how she tried hard to be normal. She cooked for us. She asked me to sleep over. I said no to sleep over. When we went to the mall together, I was feeling guilty because I didn't buy her anything while dragging her everywhere to find the things I need to buy. At the same time, I had the thought, "Did she think we're normal now because we spend the time together?". I always have that thought. Whatever she does now, it's pointless. She should have done that when I was 13. Seeing her trying to play the role of a good mother disgusts me. And I hate myself for feeling that way. I hate myself for having such thought.

She needs to know that it's too late. She can't save our relationship. She can't turn us back to normal. Though we were probably never normal to begin with. Even while she was still with us. I don't know. I can't remember much. 

Is this why I don't want to get married? Part of it, yes. 

I'm the youngest among my siblings. But I feel like I'm the only one who is trying. I'm the only one who wants to live like normal people. So I feel pressured. I need money. I need money for so many things. Our house has been neglected for way too long. Perhaps since I was 13. Now how old am I? About to turn 27. That's more that 10 years. Our house is in a big mess but nobody seems to care about it. I want to repair and renovate it. I know I will need a huge sum of money for that. But I only have a tiny paycheck. My two oldest siblings are jobless. My other sibling is going to get married this year. And she barely survives with her paycheck. I only have myself. There's only me. Until our house is fully repaired, I won't be in any relationships. I don't have time for that. I'm sure no one wants me anyway if they see how I live. 

But I'm so lost. I don't mind about not getting married. What I worry about is how am I going to get the money for the repair and renovation? I can barely save money every month. I'm stressed out about money and also about my older siblings. Why are they living their life like that? I just feel bad for my father. He's turning 70 soon and he still have to worry about his children. He's the one who makes an effort. He's the one trying to find something for my brother to do. I don't know what's wrong with my family. Everyone seems to have lost the will to live. Me included. I don't have much will to continue. I only keep going because of my father. He is the reason I keep living after all. I live for him. So I have to work, even if I hate my job. It's all for him.

I don't know how much longer I can last though.

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