thank you, next

Today I met up with a friend from uni who also works in the same district as me. A little background about her, she is married. Just gave birth to her first child. She is quite religious. And just like everyone else, she believes in marriage. She thinks women should have a family. 

So one of the questions she ask me was, "Do you have a boyfriend? Do you want me to set you up with someone? If you want I can set you up with someone good." She meant she wanted  to introduce a good person to me. I know  she meant well. But I rejected her offer immediately. 

I told her I don't plan on getting to know anyone yet. I didn't tell her how I really felt. 

Truth is,  I don't want to get to  know anyone, and especially not 'a good person'. I'm not even a good person, why are they trying to set me up  with  someone good?  I don't deserve someone good.  These people have no idea what kind of person I am. I'm relieved that they don't know the real me,  but at the same time,  it makes me anxious thinking about how long until  they will  find out about me.  

It's not that I don't crave, you know, being in love, being in a relationship.  It's just that my longing would die out pretty quickly the moment I realise what a terrible person I am. I don't see myself getting into a relationship or even getting to know someone anytime soon.  Not in another five years at least. Honestly,  I'm not even happy with myself.  How can I be happy with a  partner? I can't even be real with my  own  family. How can I expect myself to  be real with a potential  partner? It's not gonna happen. I can't even imagine it.  

A colleague also told me, 'The latest you should get married and have a child is 35. After that age, it's gonna be difficult.". Well who said I'm gonna get married and have a child? But I don't wanna argue. I don't want anyone to know my honest thought anyway. I just listened to her and pretended to agree.

What's wrong with being unmarried? If we can't be happy single,  there's no guarantee we're gonna be happy married.  I'd rather stay single and unhappy than be married and unhappy. And I am free to do anything when I'm single. I don't have to mind anyone. 

I think, unless I'm moving to another country, I don't think I'll ever get married or even be in a relationship. I would have too much to lose if I find someone here. 

The end.  I hope I don't ever have to talk about this again.