I guess I'm invisible.

I haven't been writing since May huh? And I think that was actually the last time I actually felt happy.

Since June I've been super busy, until today, which is already the end of August.

How my life has been going since June was, I had to meet deadline after another deadline and the cycle repeats. As for my emotions,  I was either stressed out, angry,  or depressed. I can hardly recall any happy moments from these past months. Especially not these past few weeks.  I've just been so irritable. And I just feel so terrible about myself.

I believe people hate me. I think it started when I ignored my boss' text and call. That was in July. Everything went wrong since that incident. I noticed people looked at me differently.  Even when they are smiling or laughing with me, I don't think it's genuine at all. I could see it from their eyes. They  were judging me. Even when they complimented me, it didn't feel sincere at all. Whatever I do now,  will never erase what I've done. And they will remember my one mistake forever I'm sure.

Do I think  I am guilt-free? Of course not.  I know I made a huge mistake back then.  I've already apologised.  I don't know what more they need from me. More importantly, they are not even involved in this matter, why  do they care so much?

As for the recent incidents,  I honestly have no idea what made them treat me like I'm invisible.  I guess I understand the other person. There's this other person though. I worked with him  a lot. So he is kind of perfectionist. He also would usually make jokes with other people, including me. But ever since that one incident, he's been ignoring me. Was it my action or my words? I have no idea. These days, when he sees me, he doesn't greet me,  or even look at my direction. Usually when I go near his desk, he would at least acknowledge me.  But I felt the hatred. Even when others were talking to me, he would glance at me and say nothing. It felt like he just didn't want to talk to me. I guess that is how much he hates me. I guess, I am now another person he dislikes, just like other people he dislikes that he talked to me about. Because he did that, I just do the same. I just treat him like he treats me. If a person treats me like I'm invisible, I can do 10 times better. 

That is one person. And then there's another person who treats me like I'm invisible so obviously. I thought I could do this but I don't think I could survive to be honest. I'm sure she was mad because she had to take responsibility for something she wasn't informed about. And I am the head of our association. I could have done something, but I also ran away from the responsibility.  I guess that's  what made them  mad. However, it still  hurts being treated as invisible. First it was in front of other people which was not so obvious as I had other people who talked to me. The second time it happened was when I was alone in the staff room. She opened the door and said out loud "Oh there's nobody here.", she just left without looking at me, without acknowledging me. I felt the most invisible right then.  

I don't know for how long I can work with these people. I don't know how much longer I can stay here. I want out. I will find a way. I will make sure to leave. If they  don't like me,  I can just leave. I know I'm not good enough. I was never meant to be here anyway. Maybe it's time for me to leave.