I want to disappear.

It's already September.

How do I feel? It doesn't change that much.

Tomorrow is Monday so I had to come back today, reluctantly. I even drove so much slower than I usually do. Because I hate coming back here.

I don't know how I'm going to face those people. I tried my best to avoid bumping into them. It's working last week. I don't know what's going to happen this week. I hope I don't see them often.

While driving today, I was thinking about what I could do to  escape. I thought about what my  plan would be if I decide to quit. I thought I should start now. The only thing I could think of is learning translation and interpretation. I have to find a job where I have the least contact with other people. That's the best that I could think of. Maybe I could even do several jobs. I was also thinking about 'working a job that I hate but pays well' vs 'working a job that I like but pays little'. If I never set foot into this career, I probably would choose a job that pays well. Unfortunately, I've had a taste of how sucks it is to have a job that I hate. So I think if I could quit, I would definitely find a job where I can be happy. I don't mind tired. I just want to be happy. 

I had this thought before.. I was watching Jinny's Kitchen Season 2, and thought how nice it was to work there. It was 100% physical labour. It was exhausting. But I think I would be happy doing that kind of work. A job where people expect me to only do certain assigned tasks. A job where I am not forced to socialise. A job where I can just do my own thing. A job where I can quit anytime. I think I need that kind of environment. 

All of this is just wishful thinking though. I don't think I am brave enough to quit. And if I quit, I will become another huge disappointmentn to my father. I live for him. I can't disappoint him like how my other siblings did. I need money for sure. I get stable income through this job. But people have too much expectations and I know I can't meet their expectations. Therefore, I end up having a really hard time here. I just hate it here. Every day I think about quitting. Every day I have to drag myself out of bed. Every day I have to force myself to socialise. Every day I have to pretend to be motivated. And then I have to deal with the hatred. The unfairness. Everything in this job is making me want to just disappear. I wish I would be gone.