unmerry christmas

Merry Christmas. 

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It's my fourth year of not being home during Christmas, and it's my first time, not celebrating it, here. 

Well, not that I celebrated Christmas back at home anyway. 

It's just that, well I don't even know how to start.

Christmas is supposed to be something that I'm excited about, something that I shouldn't miss. But what's happening now is totally the opposite. It doesn't even feel like Christmas because I'm locking myself in my room, two days in a row. Honestly I don't mind missing Christmas, I just don't know how to answer those people who probably would be asking me where I was, what did I do for Christmas. I'm not ready for those conversations. So I've been avoiding looking at my phone since this morning. I just don't feel like talking to anyone to be honest. 

I wish people would just mind their own business. 

I know they mean well, but sometimes, I really wish, they would leave me alone.

I wish they would just let me live my life the way I want, peacefully. 

I probably would lie but I'm kinda tired of lying. 

If only they know........how fake I am. And how much I hate myself for that.