Reality check.

Hello again.

Just got my final semester result which is also my internship grade. Am I disappointed? Yes. Do I deserve it? Yes. Honestly I'm not even surprised, it's kind of expected. I know from the start that I would not be able to meet her expectations. But seeing my result really brings me back to reality. I was lucky the assessment method changed. If the assessment remained the same, my result would probably be even worse. Some of my classmates got really good grade for their internship. I'm jealous but I don't have the right to be jealous. My effort was too lacking compared to theirs, I understand that. I can only accept my result and move on. Now I gotta focus on the next step which is to find a job.

I'm still unsure what to do. My father has been asking me if there is any news about the interview. He doesn't not know that I don't really want to be a teacher. I think he just wants me to get a job with a good pay, I'm his one and only hope. I think he wants to see at least one of his kids to be successful, one of his kids to be someone he can be proud of. I know I'm his last hope but why does it feel like I'm going to disappoint him? I hope not. I can disappoint myself but I don't want to disappoint him. 

How do I compete with others who are 1000x times better than me? I can't even get an A for my internship. I'm even anxious to join an online training program. How can I improve myself if I continue to be such a coward? Maybe I've been staying home doing nothing for too long. Maybe it's time to really find a job. Any job.