look fine but don't feel fine

 I've been meaning to write a new year post, but I decide to not write it after putting it off so many times. I don't feel the new year's vibes anymore. Actually, it never feels like a new year, with COVID and me at home all the time being jobless. It still feels like 2020 to me. 

Anyway.

I look fine, but I don't feel fine.

I think I'm dying. I'm actually convinced I'm dying. But I act like everything's fine on the outside. It's not. I'm literally dying. This will kill me. I don't know when, but it will kill me. 

Even now, I'm thinking, am I alive or am I dead? I would feel better if I'm actually dead. Because then I don't have to worry about dying anymore. But if I'm alive? I will only add more burden on people around me. I hate that.

I feel so helpless and hopeless. 

I just want to feel fine again. 

I still want to live.

I want to do so many things. 

I can't do that now, can I? 

Maybe I can dream about it when I die.