Lockdown burnout.

Hi. 

My last entry was in May? That seems so long ago. 

I haven't been updating here because I started writing my thoughts on a little DIY journal that I bought. I didn't even plan on making it my "diary". But it just happens. Now my journal is full of my thoughts (read: complaints) that I used to express them here.

On another note, my father just got vaccinated, only the first dose though. Me? Well the government's system is shit so I guess it's still a long time before my turn. I just hope I'll get vaccinated before I get covid. I've been avoiding finding a job because I'm scared of getting covid. I don't think I should do this any longer. I can't do it. I might even go insane before I get covid. Life is hard.

Did I write about how this whole pandemic affect me in my previous entries? I don't think I did. I don't remember. 

It's our seventeenth month of being in the pandemic. We're in I don't know how many months of "lockdown". I've been staying home most of the time because I don't want to get covid and infect my aging father. I did it. I managed to not get covid before he got vaccinated. That's a good thing I guess. 

For sometime now, I can feel the lockdown burnout. It's also because I'm always at home, barely talking to anyone not even my family, I start to have all sorts of thoughts.

I thought I was dying, and still am. Some days I think I have anxiety attacks and other days I just think something inside me, my organs are malfunctioning. It's such a scary thought. Every day I think I'm dying. It could be just my mind playing a trick on me, but since I keep thinking it's real, it might just turns into a reality. That terrifies me. Even though I keep thinking of dying, I still don't want to die, yet.

Trying to make myself be productive is difficult too. These days I feel extremely lazy and unmotivated. I just don't want to do anything. It's just so so bad. It feels like I'm losing my will to live. I keep having thoughts like "Well in the end nothing matters so why bother?" to justify my laziness. I keep thinking "Does doing anything matter now if I'm going to die anyway?". It's been really hard to fight off these feelings and thoughts. I know they're just thoughts but they're unbelievably powerful. They have all the power over me. I end up feeling like shit every day because I couldn't be as productive as I want. I know I can do better but I can't seem to do anything. It's shit. I hate this. I need to get out of this house. Find a job outside. Force myself to work. If I stay this way any longer, I might just give up on life completely. I hope that won't happen.