2022.

New year. 2022, welcome.

I had a pretty terrible start of 2022. Thankfully I'm feeling much better now. 

2022. I don't feel it is any different from last year or 2020. Maybe because I haven't started working yet. Once I start, hmm, idk, I can't really imagine myself working. For the time being. All I want to do is lie down. Not really excited for anything either.

I observe myself a lot these days. I find that I feel lost when I'm not doing anything. I don't feel a sense of purpose. Like today, I watched a show on Netflix. Afterwards I don't have anything else to do. I feel empty and a little bit anxious. It feels like I should be doing something, but I don't know what it is. At the back of  my mind there's a voice saying I shouldn't be idling right now. I need to do something. But what is it? I have no idea. Maybe I shouldn't have taken a break from tutoring. Maybe doing that will give me a sense of purpose. Maybe it's actually better to have something to do than have nothing to do at all. When I have nothing to do, I will be left alone with my thoughts. When I am left alone with my thoughts, it's bad. But maybe I'm better now?

Anyway, like I said before I started to meet a therapist. He's a trainee clinical psychologist. So far I had two sessions with him. How do I feel about it? Well, I think I need it. I need help. At the same time, I feel nervous. I had a rather short session last week and I actually felt relieved about it. When I'm inside the room, I just somehow become more vulnerable. I hate that. And I don't like talking about how I feel. I mean sure I write about them. I tweet about my feelings. Talking face-to-face, however, is pretty uncomfortable to me. I know he's trying to help me but sometimes I just don't really want to answer his questions. I want to get better but I don't want to talk about things that bother me. I'm somewhat hesitating to open up. It's not that I don't trust my therapist. I just don't like talking about my thoughts and feelings. I don't want to tell everything. I don't think I will ever tell him everything. I think some things are just better left unsaid. Anyway, I'll see how things go. I hope I'll get better soon.

For 2022, my main goal is to get better mentally. And hopefully I'm all right physically. I also think I need to leave this house. I feel like there are too many triggers here so it will be better for me to leave. Am I running away? I think so. But if I can get  better this way, I think it'll definitely help me to get better faster, I'd do it. I'll do everything I can to be as far away as I can from here. I'm sorry. 

I'll make myself my priority. And I'll try to be more positive this year.