I am my priority.

How is 2022 so far?

Mine is, hmm pretty vague.

The past few weeks I've been thinking hard about which school to go and I tried asking for help to get the school that I want. Someone asked why I want to choose the school and I said it's because I don't want to be placed in my former school. That's true. Maybe half truth. Or a quarter. My real problem is, or concern, I don't want to stay with my family. I want to get away from my family. I feel like I can't breathe here. I just want to go somewhere, anywhere I can breathe. I can't tell this to anyone. And I can't help thinking... I must have looked like a spoiled brat. I was trying to use connections to get the school I want even though I'm just about to start working. At first I want to find a school that is close but far enough that I can make it an excuse to stay near the school. Because aside from leaving my house, my concern is attending my therapy session. If I am too far, I would have to quit my therapy. That was my thought. Now I've changed my mind. I don't think I care about the therapy anymore. It's not that I have recovered now, it's just that I desperately want to leave this house. I know I'm being ungrateful. Everyone tells me it's better to get school that is near to me because then I can save money on accommodation. They're not wrong. But they don't know my concern. Right now I'm close to giving up on getting the school I want. I just don't have anyone that can help me. 

And the therapy, I think I'm giving up on it too. I'm not sure if it's helpful in any way. And I just don't like talking about myself, my inner thoughts to some stranger. I just feel uncomfortable sharing my feelings. Maybe in some way, I'm also scared to look within myself. Maybe I'm trying to avoid that. So far I had five sessions. And I will have two-weeks break. And my next appointment will be near mid February. I actually have a hunch that it will be my last day of therapy session. What I predict is I'll have to report duty around the same week of my next session. I don't know where I will be then, but I think I'll use "working" as an excuse to quit my therapy. I'm not sure if it will be a wise decision. However, a therapy is meant to help us to manage our symptoms and guide us the way to live with whatever our condition is. It's not supposed to be a cure. I'm scared sometimes but I know how to manage my symptoms now. I still look at things negatively and I still imagine the worst case scenario like what my therapist called, "thinking traps". I think I'll just try to live with it. It's much better than talking about my thoughts to some stranger, every week. It's not his fault. Right now I think this is the best decision for myself.