something about grief.

Some time has past since my last post. I really thought that I was gonna report duty so soon huh? But it's okay. I have another convincing excuse. I have an out of town appointment on Friday, I have no choice but to miss my Thursday therapy session. I was actually quite excited when I told the nurse t I can't attend the session. 

I said last time that I will quit therapy. I will. My next appointment will be an online session. I think I'll tell my therapist then. Though I'm actually a little worried about how I should proceed with it. I think I'll have to plan it. So that I can say everything I want to say and be done with the therapy. 

From time to time, I think about whether this is a wise decision - quitting therapy. I'm unsure but I'm not exactly in the best condition to commit to therapy. I can't commit. I was told that I need to commit to therapy for it to work, besides believing in it. But I can't. And I don't think I can ever be honest with my current therapist. I don't know if it's because he's inexperienced, or I just don't trust anyone. I don't think I can ever talk about my real thoughts to anyone. 

Living in this house is hard. I can't breathe. I'm always angry, annoyed. And I cry, every day. I'm so sick of it. I think I'm feeling a little regretful. I tried hard to find a school that is near so that I could attend my therapy session. Now that I have decided to quit, I'm thinking maybe I should have just find a school that is far far away from here. Maybe it's too late now. Too late to find another school. And I'm tired of it. I'm tired of making an effort. 

I stumbled upon a post about grief a while ago. In the post, it was talking about how grief is about loss, but not necessarily death. It's been on my mind lately. Maybe I'm grieving over the life I wish I had. Or maybe I'm grieving over my past self, when I was healthy physically and mentally. Maybe when my therapist asked if there was any deaths around me, maybe he should have instead asked whether I experience any loss - experience, health, opportunity. There are all kinds of grief and death is not the only thing people grieve over. 

Hmm. I'm tired. Let's hope nothing bad will happen before I go for my appointment on Friday.  Bye.