A bit twisted.

Why am I thinking I'm all that when I'm not?

What makes me think I can be happy when I should not be?

I actually think I'm cute and that people like me when in reality I'm disgusting. I know myself. I know how I live. I know how I think. There are no parts of me that is worth being liked. Hence, I don't deserve to be liked. Not even platonically. 

I've been living in hiding for too long. I want out but at the same time, I don't. It scares me to think that people will learn and find out about the real me. I don't want that.

That's why I only have shallow relationships. That's why I decline being my colleague's housemate. That's why I prefer to stay in my room. That's why I don't meet new people.

I have so much to lose. There's so much I want to hide.

I crave love and attention but I'm suppressing everything because I know people will leave once they find out about me. They will be disgusted by me. Honestly, that's not even the part that I am most scared of. It's the fact that they might tell everyone else about me which terrifies me the most.

But really, I think I'm cute, girls think I'm cute but that's it. Guys that I like, don't even like me. I wish I were attracted to girls instead. At least they like me.  But I guess I am just that kind of person. A girl crush. Literally. Only girls have crush on me. Now I get it when they say girl crush are usually liked by girls but not the guys. I feel it.

On another note, others are rushing me to get married. I don't plan on getting married because I don't think I will ever find someone who can accept my way of living. I just want to be in a relationship but not with the main goal to get married. I guess, I want a relationship that is as shallow as it gets. Just like my relationship with everyone else. I don't even want that person to know my family. Oh that's a bit twisted. Maybe it's not the time for me to be in any relationships yet. It's okay, 30 is the new 20 they said. I shall restart my life at 30.