It's only ten days into 2025.

I can't stop the tears.

Today has been quite traumatic. 

Did I talk about how I had an issue with my boss previously? That was when I was at my lowest. That was when I literally hated everybody and when I felt the most hated by every single person at work. What caused the whole thing was myself really. I didn't respond to my boss and I ended up humiliated by him in front of some kids. That was when I noticed the judgmental gaze I got from my colleagues. That was when I had a hard time at work. I had trouble feeling positive. I had to fake laugh. I pretended I was okay. And then I would cry in my room. 

I'm getting PTSD because of today's incident. My boss commented about my outfit today and I was told to get changed right at that moment. I saw his face. It was the same face, with similar tone. He was ready to humiliate me in front of everyone again. I tried to play it cool. I managed to calm myself and pretended I was not affected in the slightest way. I went home and get changed. I tried to avoid looking at him. I couldn't look at him, because I hated him at that moment. I know I am in the wrong. That's why I hate myself even more. The problem is me, but I try to play victim. I tell myself it was unfair that I was being criticised when it was totally fair that I was being criticised. I did not follow the rules, of course I won't be getting praise. 

Luckily I was busy throughout the day so I didn't have time to dwell on it. However when I got home, all I could think about was this particular incident. And I started to analyse the gaze and actions of everybody I met today. Did they notice it? Did they know about the incident? Did they start to hate me?

And I start to do some self-reflections. I have always noticed this. I am different from them. I complain a lot. I hate rules. I hate restrictions. I am lazy. I am not good enough to stay here. I am ashamed of myself. I am the one who wanted to be here. I am regretting my decision. I want to quit but I don't have another plan for myself. I need money so I can't just quit. I can't apply for transfer easily. My house is just 45 minutes away. I don't want to work near my home anyway. Because once I am there, I would have no reasons to move somewhere else. Everybody wants to stay close to home, but not me. I want to be as far away from home as I can. Something is wrong with me, yes. But what excuse can I give? Should I further study? I don't even have the motivation to further study. 

And I also realise today that I am faking everything. I am always putting on a mask, both literally and figuratively. I try to only show the good sides of myself in front of others. But honestly there's nothing good about myself. It was all a facade. Have anybody noticed it? Maybe some of them noticed it but pretended not to notice. I'm not even a good person. Maybe I deserve it. I deserve that criticism. I deserve the trauma because I'm not a good person. Maybe I deserve all the bad things because I'm not a good person anyway.