bullying or sexual harassment?

So. I feel like blogging today. And I feel like blogging about bullying.

Have you ever been bullied? Or are you a bully yourself? If you are a bully, you should stop, really.

I was once a victim of bullying. But not the physical one. I was a verbal bullying victim. I started being bullied when I was at the early stage of puberty. You see, I'm a girl. (still a girl I'm only 19). So I was going through that stage where my breasts were growing. I was 12. Most girls in my school hadn't even started their early stage of puberty. So they mostly had plain chest. And that's when my body(breasts to be exact) became the reason why I was verbal bullied.

There was this one boy in my class who was fat and annoying as fuck. I think we sat near each other started when I was in Year Five. So we were kinda "close". During Year Six,  he sat in front of me.  And since he was an annoying as fuck of a person, he always turned to my desk and messed with my things even though I scolded him and told him to fuck off. And I don't remember when exactly it started. He said something about my chest.  About my breasts. He kept asking me why were my boobs so big.  He kept commenting about my fucking breasts. It was even worse when we were wearing PE shirt. Our shirt was yellow. And you could actually look through it. That's why I hate it. Because I felt insecure wearing the shirt. Everyone could see how big my breasts were. Honestly mine were not even that big, they were just bigger than everyone else's. So this boy, he would not stop making comments about my breasts. Sometimes he would just say "why are your breasts bigger than the other girls" sometimes he would say "Can I touch your breasts" there were times when he made sexual gesture  in front of me,  which was pretending he was squeezing boobs. And what did I do?  All I did was telling him to die. In an angry tone of course. That was not enough. I know.  I wish I had slap or punch him in his face. But I was a kid. I didn't really know what to do. And thank God,  he stopped when we were at high school.

But it's not over yet. When I was 16, this one boy,  started to make comments about my breasts again. That time,  it was really embarrassing. It's humiliating. Because he did it in front of a lot of other boys. And my ex. He would say hi to me and then say "your boobs are big" and then laughed and left. Every. Time. We ran into each other. And we actually ran into each other almost all the time. What did I do?  Nothing. Almost nothing. I would curse him and then left. But then I started to get tired of it so I just pretended I did not hear or see him. I just walked away. And after maybe a few months.  He stopped. I guess he got boring. But still it didn't mean I was not mad. I was still mad.  In fact, I am still mad. I am still mad at him for saying those nasty things to me and mad at myself for not really doing anything to defend myself. I should have done something. Maybe punch him.  Or kill him.  Or kill his girlfriend. I don't know.  Anything that will make him suffer. I hate him.  I really hate him. And I really hate myself as well for being a hypocrite. For pretending to be nice to him when the fact is I hate him so very much. For treating him nicely when he does not even deserve it. I am too nice sometimes. I really hate it. I really hate myself.

Maybe I shouldn't even call this verbal bullying. This is sexual harassment. They fucking harassed me. It's been years. But I am still so fucking mad. I really wish they don't have a good life. Maybe this is wrong,  wishing for this is wrong. But I don't fucking care. They fucked me up emotionally. You think I shouldn't take this seriously because they were just kids?  If you think so,  fuck you and I hope you don't have a good life either. It sucks. You have no fucking idea how much it hurts me. How much it affects me. You don't know how it feels until you experience it yourself. And the saddest part? I never tell or talk about this to anyone.  Because nobody would fucking care. And I don't have anyone to talk to. Family?  I'm not close with them. Friends?  I don't think I have one. Everyone is just a motherfucking hypocrite. Fake.  Backstabber. And even if I tell someone, they will all probably just say "oh they are just kids they don't know what they're doing". And fuck that.

You're curious why I am even posting this on my blog?  Because I want to let all those motherfuckers out there to know that sexual harassment is disgusting. Especially kids,  unless you're close with the person and know him/her well, don't fucking make dirty jokes about them or comment about their body part. It's not cool. It's disgusting. And disrespectful. And some parents really need to educate their kids properly. Stop relying on the teachers alone.  You need to fucking teach your kids how to respect others. And how not to be an asshole.