my father, my hero.

January 2016 has been a rough month so far. But I am thankful because I am still breathing today. There is one person, that I am really grateful for, in my life. My father.

My father is a great man. He is a great father. I wouldn't want anyone to take his place, ever.

However, I am very ashamed of myself.

You see, my father is kind of old-school. When I was thirteen, he bought a secondhand car. It's a Toyota Crown. I really hate that car. Whenever he came to pick me up from school, I would make sure that nobody saw me getting into my father's car. And then if we're driving past the other students, I would pretend that I was talking to my father, so I didn't have to look outside. I did that because I was embarrassed. I was scared of being teased by other students, especially my classmates. 

That's not all.

I was actually also ashamed because of the fact that he is my father. My father loves to wear T-shirt, a pair of trousers, and a pair of slippers wherever he goes. I thought it was messy, and uncool when he was wearing such outfit. I was embarrassed because he would wear such outfit even when he came to my school to take my report card. When we were walking together, I would make sure to walk a little far from him. Because I was embarrassed to be seen with him. Actually, I still am.

But my father's love is so perfect that I think I don't deserve to be his daughter at all.

When I was seventeen, I was living by myself in our home. My father would only came home during weekends because his workplace was far from our home. During my exams that year, my father came home every day when I had paper to sit for. He even took a few days off just to send me to school. 

The next year, I got into university. But I couldn't continue in that uni. I wasted so much money for it. In the end, I quit. My father didn't scold or mad at me. He only said, "if you can't continue then just come back here." 

And then now I am sick. I keep seeing doctor, but he didn't complain at all. 

Today he even tidy up the room for me so I can rest comfortably.

There are so many other things that he has done for me, for us. One of the greatest thing he has done is probably not neglecting us when my mother left. 

I can't describe how much I love him, how much I hate myself for not being a good daughter. 

I keep asking for things that I want from him when he's been giving me everything I need. I am such a horrible daughter. 

I want to be a better daughter of him. I must. I want to live. I want to live and make him proud. I want to make him happy. 

I promise I will make him a proud father. I just hope that I will be given that chance.

(This is an old post that I decided to publish again. But idk why it's not showing the time when I first published it.)