Today I'll survive.

/now playing/

This is my third post in November. Just putting my thoughts here.

I met up with a friend today. I had fun talking. However, when I came home, I felt a little bit down. Not sure why. I thought it was because I laughed too much. But I don't know for sure. I just feel melancholic? I can't really describe it. I listen to Sleeping At Last's Awake to make myself feel better but I start to feel even worse. I suddenly feel like the lyrics speak for me. Especially the line "Today, I'll survive. Tomorrow, make sense of my life." I just feel like every day I'm just surviving life. Barely living my life. I spend more time sleeping than staying awake. When I'm awake, I do nothing significant. Every day I feel hopeless. I pity myself. I pity my family for having me as their family. Part of me really wants to keep on living but another part of me wants to sleep forever. 

Sometimes I wonder if dying is better than living. Do we really not suffer anymore when we die? There's no trial for death. Once you die, you can't get your life back. It's sad. 

I know I talk about dying a lot but truth is I don't want to die at all. It's just that I feel trapped between life and death. Even if I want to live, my body says otherwise. I'm not sure if I even make sense. I don't know anymore. I wish life was kinder to me.