help me.

I believe I am getting better. But am I really? Or am I just distracted? I honestly have no idea. I hope it is the truth though. I really want to get better. If I can get better without any professional help, that would be great. But if I can't, I'll take the help I am provided with. 

I think... maybe because I am desperate to be better... so I am feeling better. But what if this is all just my brain fooling me into thinking I am getting better? What if I am getting worse but I don't even know it? What if I am just burying my worries and my resentments? What happens if all those come back? What will happen to me? 

Sometimes I get the feeling that I am avoiding thinking about things that make me worry. That's not the correct way to deal with it right?  Just like I pretend I don't see someone I know, now I pretend I don't feel what I feel. I'm scared. I am actually scared. Will I make it to next year? I can't even be excited for anything because I feel like my days are numbered. I feel like I don't have much time left. I feel like I'm going to die.

A thought just came into my mind. When we die, when I die, will I even know that I'm dead? Or will I still go about my everyday life after I'm dead?

I don't necessarily think that death is bad. It's just that it's too early to die. I haven't been able to repay my family. I've only been a burden and I dare to die? I can't die just yet. 

I'm sad. What if I really can't make it to next year? I'm so sorry.

Right now I don't even feel anything when I see all my friends in their graduation robe. I just don't feel excited for anything. I just feel kinda hopeless. I think there's hope for me but I don't feel very hopeful. Help me.

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