I wanna get better.

Today I met with a trainee clinical psychologist. I'm not sure how helpful he will be. I'll have to see. For our first session, I don't think it helps me in any way. Maybe because we only talked about my background. And there were two other students there. Maybe I didn't feel completely safe to share whatever was on my mind. At the end of the session, I filled in some tests which will be used to diagnose my condition. I feel like, I might seem to have depression based on the result. I hope not. But it was true. It was how I felt. I need help. I should be honest. But I'm scared. I'm scared of finding out what's wrong with me. I'm scared that my condition will deter me from getting a job. At the same time, I need help. I want to get better. I want to feel normal again. I'm really tired of feeling this way. I really hope this will help me. My next session is in another two weeks. I feel like that is a long time but I can't do anything about it. It's a free assistance. I should be grateful that I'm at least getting the help I need. But really, I hope it will help me. Please. Help me. I want to get better. I want to live.

I didn't tell my family why I met a counsellor. We don't talk about these things. And I don't tell my sister because I don't want to trigger her. She has not been in her best, mentally and emotionally as well. And I don't want to worry them. I'm already visiting the doctors way too often. I can't tell them I'm sick mentally too. I can't be even more of a burden than I am now. I just want to get better, quietly.