I want to do nothing.

 I don't know why I'm crying. Maybe it's this scene that triggers me.

Lately, I think a lot about how much I hate my current job. I want to quit so badly. But I worry about what happens after that. If I quit, is there something else I can do? The job I currently have is a stable job. I don't have to worry about not having money. The downside is, I hate it so much. I can't handle the expectations. I realise I am bad at it. Even if I try my best, the results show otherwise. I don't think this job is for me. But I'm scared. If I quit, I'll just end up being a burden and a disappointment again. I know my father always supports my decision, however, I don't think this is right. I can't make this decision, but I have to continue working in an environment that I despise. I hate having to fake it all the time. I hate pretending like I am doing my dream job. I'd rather do nothing. That's not normal though. What is considered normal and acceptable in this society is working, having a job, getting married, having a family, in which none of them is my goal or desire. I don't even want to die. I just want to do nothing. I just want to live without having to work. I wish I could go somewhere. Live somewhere nobody knows me, with a completely new identity. I long for that.

These days what I've been thinking is how nice it would be if I could relive my life as a teenager. But not as my real self. I wish I could relive that period as someone else. Because I'm kinda tired of my life. I just want to live as somebody else. 

What makes this harder for me is the fact that nothing will change. I will have to live this way for a long time. I will have to keep pretending. I don't know if I will be able to endure all this. Life gets really tiring these days. I just want to do nothing but doing nothing makes me anxious. I'm so tired.