I'm sick.

I don't even know where to start. 

There's so much to vent about. Maybe I'll start from the most recent thoughts that I have. 

Good news. I've completely gotten over my colleague. The bad news is that I'm developing inappropriate feelings for someone. I'd be commiting a crime if I keep this up. Because it's a kid. A minor. He's only 15 years old. I know this is just temporary. This feeling will be gone soon. But I'm scared that I'd do something stupid. I already have dangerous thoughts. I can't let it turn into reality. 

I want to believe that I only have this kind of thoughts and feelings because I spend 90% of my time with them kids. I don't socialise with a lot of adults and especially not male adults. So I end up this way. I was disappointed when a kid didn't give me his attention. I was mad because this kid stopped flirting with me. I know I sound like a predator right now. I'm probably not sane right now. Or maybe I'm in denial. Maybe this is who I am. That's why I'm scared. I'm scared that I'll actually become a predator. 

That day when he stopped flirting and stopped trying to get my attention, I realised that he's just a kid. He's still a kid. I felt like such a loser. I am a loser. How can I see kids romantically. I'm sick. I need to get help. 

I think the only way to cure me is by finding someone and get into a relationship. I think I crave the feelings and the attention I get from being in a relationship. I even romanticize arguing with my partner. I was watching a music video where a couple was arguing, and I wish that was me. I wish I at least had someone to argue with. I wish I could experience breakup. My life has been pretty stressful and depressing these days. I need a break from that. I'd rather go through a break up than what I am facing right now. 

I have so much to say. But I can't say it all today. I'm too tired. I'm still tired.