I just want to sleep.

 

Thats's Jung Da Eun from the show 'Daily Dose of Sunshine'. I've been feeling that way for a while. When I go to work I can't wait to go home and sleep. When I'm back from work all I want to do is sleep. That's been my my routine. I can't get any more work done after I'm back from work. I feel like I'm the only busy person at my work. I know that's not true. But it really does feel like it. I've already done so much but I still have tons of things to do. It's a never-ending cycle. They say I should get some rest. Well how can I get the rest I need when everything needs to be completed now? 

What I need is not even a few hours of rest. What I need is workload reduction. What's the point of telling one to get some rest when you're still gonna give them so much work? Saying we shouldn't complain because we're young is ridiculous. We're not getting younger. What we go through today, in our 20s, even from our childhoold, they will affect us later in our life. How confident are you that it won't impact us negatively? I'm already feeling so burnt out. I'm already hating my job. I'm unhappy. I want out. 

I'm angry. But the worse thing is I can't express my anger. I'm expected to accept everything with a smile. Even if someone makes inappropriate comments about me, I am expected to just brush it off. If I am given any tasks, I am expected to just accept everything. Whenever I try to voice my complaints, I always get the same reply. "You're still young. You should just do it. That's how it's supposed to be." 

Sometimes trying your best is pointless. I just don't see the point anymore. I don't even feel good about it.

And then I start to become a toxic person myself. But maybe I've always been toxic. I just never realise it.

I feel annoyed when someone is less fortunate than I am or if someone is sicker than I am. I would think that someone is not "qualified" to fall sick. I have the thought "I am in a worse situation that they are, so why are they acting so sick?" Do you see how toxic I am? No wonder I have no friends. I'm acting like I'm the sickest person in  the world but that's just my wish. I wish I was so sick that I couldn't go to work. I just want to avoid everything. 

It's weird. A part of me wants to be so depressed I can't function normally and then a part of me wants to live a normal life where I can live freely and happily. 

What the fuck is wrong with me?