Me too.
I just finished watching a film. There's this whole lines that I find myself relate to.
The title is 'Aloners' or the direct translation from the original language title is 'People Living Alone'. These lines left a big impression to me. The moment I saw this scene, I recalled my memory of doing things alone. I realise that I was also pretending to be good at doing things alone. Truth is, I am a loner. Sometimes when I see people having fun while being surrounded by their good friends, I feel envious. When people asked where do I go or what do I do when I hang out with my friends, most of the time I couldn't give them answers. Because I've been alone most of my life, it feels like the people who hang out with their friends are the odd ones. Being alone is what feels normal to me. It is what normal is to me. I usually feel fine with being alone but it's hard to feel fine during festive seasons. To make things worse, I don't have work to distract me. So I am left alone with my thoughts. I guess normal people hang out with their friends or family members. I'm used to being alone. I thought I was fine with being alone. Now that I think about it, I don't think I was fine at all. I was just pretending to be fine. I was just pretending to be good at doing things on my own. In reality, I am lonely. I spend my time imagining and fantasizing a perfect life. It feels like I might even live in my fantasy. I want to make an effort to make my fantasy a reality, but I think I'm too scared for it.
I choose this lonely life. I try my best not to get too close to other people because I don't want them to find out about the real me. Now it's taking a toll on me. I only end up this way because of myself. Until I'm ready to be myself around other people, I'll have to live this lonely life. Which also means that I have no rights to complain about it.
Anyway there's something else that has been on my mind, but I don't think I can talk about it now. Maybe I'll make another post sometime before the new year.
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