It's complicated.

I've said this multiple times already. 

I don't wanna get married.

Seeing my sister is making me even more sure of my decision. I don't want to be somebody's maid. Why is a woman, a wife expected to do things for the husband and not the opposite? I've seen my sister cooked for her husband. She has to do the chores as well. Why doesn't the husband do it? They are both working which means they are both equally tired. Just because she is a woman, she has to do it all? Well personally I'm not a fan of being a servant to a man just because he is the husband. Therefore, I don't think I'll ever get married. Unless I meet someone who is willing to share the responsibilities. Preparing meals and doing laundry shouldn't be a woman's responsibility alone. It's a shared responsibility. It's hard to find a guy or a family who will accept that. People here still have an outdated belief.

But anyway, I shouldn't be talking about getting married when I don't even have anyone to marry.

I should fix myself first.

And I should find people with genuinely good personality instead of having a crush on someone based on their looks. 

There's this guy that I noticed since last year. We attended the same programmes but never talked to each other. His looks is okay. Not bad. I heard about him before from a friend. It wasn't a good story. And it matched with my observations. He really is just like how he was described. The most surprising thing is that he has similar personality with someone I liked. I don't know if their race has anything to do with it, but there are just too many people of the same race with that kind of off-putting personality. I rarely hear good story about their kind of people. Even though I know his personality clashes with mine, it doesn't stop me from fantasizing. That's why I hate myself. I'm just, complicated. Maybe just a bit too lonely. 

Today we talked for the first time. Well I actually thought he was married or at least engaged because he was wearing a ring but now I don't know anymore. I still don't like the way he talk though. He sounded too cocky. Just like someone I know. When we stood next to each other while doing our task, it felt comfortable. Or maybe I'm overthinking it. All I know is, he's not good for me, and I'm not good for him either. 

Bad news is, it's not only him. Soon, I'll have a new colleague, who is also someone I used to have a crush on. I'm sure I'm not the only one who had a crush on him. He's a different breed. He's really, cute. I like his eyes the most. But he's also of the same race, and he's friends with that cocky guy. Oh man. Where do I find someone decent who clicks with me? I don't think he's as cocky as them. But since he's cute, I'm sure a lot of girls and women will like him. I know I don't stand a chance. Wait why am I getting ahead of myself? He's probably got a girl already. Or I won't even meet his standard.

Why am I even expecting something? I need to remind myself not to get too close to anyone. Or they might find out about me. I can't let my real self get exposed. I need to hide. I can't develop feelings for anyone. I can't let anyone get close to me. I need to stay single for as long as I can. It's not them, it's me.