A mixed of emotions.


Here I am again. Finished this show called 'Love to Hate You' in one night + 3 hours the next day. Putting this here so that I can look back at it. It was a really fun and lighthearted show. I laughed a lot throughout the show though I'm not sure if it's because the show is that funny or I was just trying to ignore what's been bothering me. Watched it right after I had a short crying session so I guess it left a greater impact. 

Besides the funny part, there were a lot of heart-fluttering scenes that made me go breathless. It's like I was in the scene. The male lead is real cute. Not physically but more on his gesture, the way he talked and carried himself. I've seen him on a reality show before and he was just like his character in terms of the way he carried himself. He's soft-spoken and calm so listening to him makes you calm as well. I think I need a soft-spoken person like him in my life. Because I'm the opposite of it. I'm loud and impatient. I wish I was like the female lead who is outspoken, knowledgeable, righteous, a great person as a whole. But she's perfect so I don't have to feel bad if I'm in no way like her because someone like her does not exist in the real world. Their relationship was adorable but I don't really long for what they had. 

Lately I've been way too fragile. I feel like I could cry anytime. Today I was just trying to sing some songs for fun but I ended up crying again. Part of the reason was the song choice I know but I didn't know it was that bad. Even listening to the first bar of the song triggered me. I guess mentally I'm really in a bad shape. I don't know what to do. There are still so many things to do before I have my little break. I think I feel anxious because of all the things I need to complete but can't. I wanted to be productive but I slept instead. Then I worry about not being able to meet my deadline. I can't stay calm. It's all me. The pressure is all because of me. I'm sick because of me. I got no one else to blame. It sucks. 

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