I fucking hate this hell.

 

These lyrics hit hard. 

I'm easily triggered nowadays. I cry over every little thing. I was definitely getting better. But progressively got worse. Because of my environment. The people around me. 

I don't even know where to start. I'm angry about a lot of things. 

I hate going to work. Because going to work means I need to pretend. I need to pretend I'm not mad. I need to pretend I'm not hurt. I need to pretend I don't hate people around me. I need to fucking pretend the whole time it fucking tiring. 

I always imagine myself explode, flipping out in front of everyone, to show them how angry I am. It stays in my imagination and I hate that.

I fucking hate their culture where the younger and unmarried ones get all the tasks they don't wanna do. They keep saying, "you are still young, this is for experience" yada yada all those bullshit. They just wanna avoid doing it. And I feel like I got all the jobs. I feel like I'm being bullied. It's understandable if I'm competent. But I'm fucking incompetent. So they are just bullying me. They're just dumping everything they don't wanna do on me. And I fucking hate that the guys got away easily. They can just say they can't do it and leave their fucking jobs. And who is going to take care of it? Me. Fucking me. It's always me. I don't fucking understand why it's always me. Even after I told them how mad I am, they just went, "It's a good thing, you'll get allowance, it's worth it." I don't fucking care about the allowance. Money can't buy time. It can't buy health. Fucking morons. They keep saying it's a good thing but they don't even consider taking the job. Fucking hypocrites. 

A friend has been able to avoid all these responsibilities because she just lost her father. I mean I get it. She is still mourning. But now she even wants to completely let go of this position, leaving me alone. I fucking hate it. They said it in front of my face that I should be left alone. I was close to tears when I heard it. Fucking bitch. She said it without feeling guilty. None of the people here worth making friends. They are all selfish. Being selfish is fine but you don't have to be mean to other people. Words can hurt. Words can leave a deep scar. But you don't know that. Because you are always the one who say hurtful things not the other way round. 

I hate everyone but I can't show my real feelings. 

I wish I could leave soon. 

Whenever they ask me if I'm going to move somewhere else, I keep quiet and pretend I'm thinking. I know the answer, I just don't want to tell them. Of course, I want to leave this hell. And it's all because of you. No other reasons. It's all because of everyone. Why should I stay in hell? The place where no one cares about your mental health. All they see is someone who they can bully. They say it's good here. Of course it's good for them. Of course they're happy. They don't have the same fate as me. If I were them I'd be happy too. I'd stay for as long as I could. But we're different. They don't suffer. I suffer every second. I can't remember the moment I was truly happy here. Everything was fake. 

Just because you can do it, doesn't mean everyone else is the same. It's so fucking hard to make them understand this. Why can't they fucking understand this simple fact?  

I hate it here. My new resolution is to be more reserved. To be quiet. To talk less. To stop laughing around them. To just keep to myself. I need to be alone more. I can't stand them. I can't stand them all. I fucking hate myself for letting myself be bullied by them. I need to be alone.