Till the day I give up everything.

Still listening to the same track. Dream by Rabpit.

I was on a school break, and it's ending now. During the break, I spent all week at home, watching dramas until I got sick of them. Even just now I was watching a drama. Until I feel like I wanna write something. I need to get something off my chest. I feel frustrated. I feel stuck.

All the dramas, I know they are not real. But, I believe there are countless of people who actually live such a life. I'm talking about people who have dreams. They always make a big deal out of dreams. I, well except for getting rich, I really don't have a dream like how all those people in dramas. They are willing to do everything to take a step closer to their dreams. It's actually a foreign concept to me. I never talk about dreams. I wonder if I have a dream, would my life be any different? Or would I turn into a better person? Maybe things went wrong right at the beginning. If I actually have a dream, maybe I wouldn't have to suffer. Maybe if I at least have a passion for something, if there's something I enjoy doing, something that makes my eyes sparkle, something that makes me happy even if it's hard, maybe if I could see the future, I wouldn't end up in this state. 

I hate the fact that I'm going to work the day after tomorrow. I hate the fact that I have to see people that I dislike and even have to suck up to them. I hate that even if I am humiliated by them, I have to pretend I'm fine with it. I can be insensitive too sometimes. But these people, they don't feel guilty, instead they are proud of their actions. That's why I really hate it there. It reaches to the point where I imagine myself killing them. But I can't kill them, can I? I hate that I am powerless. I hate that I am woman who comes from an ordinary family. Therefore I can't do anything. Even if they verbally assaulted me, or with their gaze, I can't do anything about it. I can only fake laughing and pretend it doesn't bother me. I try to find something to hold onto. Something to keep me going. I haven't found any. Not even the poor students can give me motivation. Someone told me to think about the kids who need my help. I don't think it works for me. Because I'm selfish. I only care about myself. If leaving is the best choice, I would do it. Even if it means I would have to leave my students. Of course I mean kids who listen to me. Why should I care about kids who never listen? See? How selfish I am?

Anyway I don't know how much longer I can endure this. I hate the person I become. I can't get anything done. This job feels more like a burden. I hate everything. I'm stressed out. I'm unhappy. I'm sick of pretending. I'm tired of getting mad. I can't even talk about this to anyone, because they just don't understand. Nobody at work is trustworthy enough, or understanding enough. We're all selfish. I try my best to distance myself from others. It works. It doesn't make me happy, but it makes me less bad about myself. I feel less hypocrite. If I spend my time with people who don't even understand my struggle, if I have a good time with those people, I feel like I betray myself. It doesn't feel good at all. I want to be true to myself for once. 

Sometimes I really wonder how things would turn out if I just give up. But then I remember my father. I can't give up yet. Maybe someday, I would give up everything and just disappear.