I'm not ok.

Today I was asked the question, "Are you ok?". I didn't think much when I answered it because it was asked by someone I was trying to avoid. I did say I'm not, but I told him a made-up reason.

Truth is, I'm not ok because I have to go to work. My workplace is probably my most hated place at the moment. If I could skip work, I would. If I could transfer somewhere else, I would do it without thinking about where to go, because all I want to do is to leave this place. I'm not ok because this place makes me sick. And today I was reminded of what happened when I first came here. I was treated like shit, but he thought it was a harmless joke. He had it all wrong. We don't remember it as a joke. We hated it. I hated him. I still hate him to this day. And seeing him doing the same thing to the newbies, it makes me want to punch him so hard. He's so clueless. He's full of himself. He's a pervert. He's just a jerk pretending to be a leader. He's no leader. He just likes to boss people around. He acts like he does so much but everything is done by people below him. Please, I hate him so much. It's not only him. There are other people that I hate too. There are more people I hate than people I like. How can I stay? 

Some of them said "Soon we'll leave and you will have to replace us." Everyone keeps talking like they are gonna leave me alone with all the burden. I hate it. I hate it when they talk about it. They sound insensitive. But well I can't complain. They don't know how I feel. They don't know how much I hate this place. They must have thought that I'm happy here. I never show it. I'm always laughing. Like my problems do not bother me. Like the people I hate don't bother me. How can they be thoughtful when they know nothing about how I feel? 

They also told me, unless I get married to someone who is not from here, there's no way I can leave. I hate that they are right. But I think I'm gonna try anyway, without the getting married part. If that's not possible, well I guess I will need to find a husband from somewhere far from here. I just want to leave. Or maybe I should just quit. That's another way, though a risky one. I need a job. I can't just quit without having any back up plans. How do I deal with this? I don't know. I have no idea, yet. So I hate it. I really want to be away from all these people.

Maybe I'm the problem. I'm twisted. I can't stay in one place for long. I hate to stay in the same place with the same people because then I will have to reveal myself to all these people. I don't want that to happen. That's why I need to leave. I choose to run away again.