It's not you, it's me.

Damn it. I lost everything I wrote few minutes ago.

What did I write just now? Ugh. 

So I was talking about a colleague who asked me to move in to a house she used to live in. Currently her sister and another colleague stay there, so they have a vacant room. As there were e people who asked about the room, she was asking if I wanted to move in there because according to her I booked the room first. For the record, I never said I wanted to move in there. Sure I always tell them that their place is nice, but whenever they ask if I want to move in, I always answer "I'll think about it." I never even say I will book the room. It's almost like she's gaslighting me. I really couldn't remember ever saying I would move there. I never promise anything. Aside from this, there's another issue that helped me to reach to a decision. 

My place is small, my room is cramped, the rent is not cheap either. On the other hand, their house is big, the vacant room is spacious, the rent is so much cheaper and it's so much closer to our workplace. But I still didn't choose it because it lacks something really important for me. Privacy. 

At my current place, my housemates and I, we chat sometimes but most of the time, we mind our own business. That's how I prefer to live. I don't like to have too much interactions. If I stay there, I feel obliged to hang out with them, to tell them whatever I do. Because they are that kind of people. They are family-oriented. And they care about other people. I'm not like them. I'm way too different. I don't even like talking at my own house. I also know that I will have to pretend when I'm there. I have to pretend to be a lot of things I'm not. I don't think I can do it. It might lead to me hating them. I don't want that to happen. I'm already disliking them a bit because of what happened few months before. I don't want to make things worse. And it's never a good idea to live with your colleague. I couldn't tell them any of this. I don't know how they feel after I decline their offer. But I know I feel relieved that I don't have to live with them. I come first. What I think and what I feel is the most important. I need to remind myself this.

And the point is, it's not them, it's mostly me. The problems. I'm a complicated person.